What Would a Wasp Do

Wasps do not like massages.

1) Extravagent waste of money with no return (That is, no return for a Wasp. Others might feel momentary pleasure and relaxation).

2) Too touchy-feely.

Wasps don’t like touchy-feely. It makes their skin crawl. 

Genes, genes, genes. 

Very important.

Wasps operate on an I-don’t-see-it-it’s-not-there mentality. Their dogs, stinky spaniels, do too. Like dog, like owner.

Wasps are highly suspicious of those who go on yoga retreats. For one, the potential for touchy-feely is alarmingly high.

Zen? What’s that? 

Wasps use slingshots to shoot at pigeons, doves, and the neighbor’s errant cat who pees on the wood pile. 

These slingshots are homemade, harkening back to childhood in Connecticut. 

Utterly extravagant. 

And tacky.

Precious one needs to go get some fresh air, not a manicure. 

Pierced ears are highly unsuitable for anyone under 16. Possibly 18. At which point, pearl studs are suitable. Long dangly things are just that - long and dangly and attention-seeky.

Of course, most girls under 16 (and possibly boys!) will try to pierce their own ears late one Friday night with a “sterile” needle and a freezer bag of ice. 

Sigh.

My godfather discussing in younger years sailing off Marblehead and sometimes racing with Californians:

We always wondered why the hell they were wearing matching “leisure outfits,” you know, athletic gear. What a of a waste of money! Us folks from Boston, well, we just wore our old work clothes to sail in. 

My godfather said this to me yesterday having just changed out of his three piece suit (a rarity in San Francisco), into some well-worn more relaxed work duds. ie. frayed khakis, frayed blue shirt, and very well worn docksiders. Hullo Brooks Brothers.

I mentioned the term “yogawear” to him. He looked puzzled. I then said, you know, the Canadian company Lululemon. He continued to look at me blankly. You know, $LULU. When even the stockticker name brought no response, I swiftly moved on. 

Wasps get peckish.

They are never starving. (That would suggest a loss of control.)

“Issues” is a word that is not in the Wasp vernacular.

Wasps do not go on first dates. Nor do they go on blind dates. Hell no. What a waste of time! Wasps only date those they already know well.

But they do enjoy hearing about your first dates. And your awkward blind dates. So don’t stop!